I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
No, I don’t think I will.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
*dog now also fat*
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here
interviewer: very good
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
*gets down on one knee*
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?