I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.