I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Ha.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.