“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
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“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.