*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree