I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
You Might Also Like
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
🌱🌱🌱
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
congratulations to them
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”