Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
You Might Also Like
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?