unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
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♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer