[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
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“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
bugs when you lift up a rock