My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
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Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas