Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
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I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
True.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Wikigenius
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation