If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
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Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.