[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
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I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
no cat here
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
#SuperBowl
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.