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Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.