How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
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Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.