[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
You Might Also Like
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Great acting.. 😂
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”