My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
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Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.