velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
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When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…