Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

Legend 🤣🤣

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.