Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
this came to me in a vision
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.