I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
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Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
There’s never enough good news
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”