*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
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Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now