I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
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We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
what all these pyramids be scheming about?