what all these pyramids be scheming about?
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Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Just how popey was the pope today?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Danger is very dangerous
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.