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Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.