I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
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Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.