[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there