Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Lassie, get help!
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it