Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
You Might Also Like
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
*jazz hands*
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”