[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
You had me at “define legal”.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
The three genders
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Guys, I found it.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.