Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
giddy up Office Depot
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*