@karanbirtinna

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

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@danwlin

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

@EllaZee5

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

@KeetPotato

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

@CynicalTherapi1

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

@10InchesPlus

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

@CaptainObtuse

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

@ohpegah

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

@jakob_huber

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

@MelvinofYork

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

@PaperWash

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”