Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump


me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right


[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”


You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.


The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.


Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.


*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?


Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”


I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.


[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”