Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
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At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Huge, if true.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.