I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”