I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.