“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
You Might Also Like
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I don’t think my car can fly
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Bruh PLEASE