Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
You Might Also Like
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
so this horse walks into a bar
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
hmm conte-me mais
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?