How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
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I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.