Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
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Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“what that mouth do?” complain
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard