Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
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don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives