House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
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Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me