[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
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Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Not today. 😅