[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
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ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
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[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
o shit
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
CUTE CAT‼︎