I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
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sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
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*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint