I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
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i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Cartman: Respect my
a a
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no