if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
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If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.