I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
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they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope