Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
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12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.