servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
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Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
When libraries troll their patrons.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.