Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
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7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
that’s really how it is
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.