Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
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guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*