I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?