Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
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That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
sistine chapel
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean