just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad