the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
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Britain be like
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
🤣😂🤣
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
😭😭😭