the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life