@TrueQuixote Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
@ehdannyboy “I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
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@TrueQuixote 
@cerealtndencies Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
@ShesAllNat Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
@darinlovesbacon I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
@AVenezuelan19 Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
@crunchenhanced If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
@Smug_Lemur Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
@JustinGuarini You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
@facciabella You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
@kimtopher22 Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.