“I’m leaving you”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
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I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
*crowd goes wild*
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.