
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.