“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
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Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Chicken bread
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If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but